JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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