I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
