i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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