I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
