just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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