Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
