i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think I won the penis lottery.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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