her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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