I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
