just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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