my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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