My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
