Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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