you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
