does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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