You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
