i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
