Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize