i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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