That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
