My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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