My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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