so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
