oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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