It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
