She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
