There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Randomize
