Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
