meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
