I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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