I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
