You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
