Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
