Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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