I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
