one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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