I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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