in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Enjoy the penises
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
