I'm so fucking centered right now
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
