Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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