Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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