You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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