I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
