Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
