I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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