Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
