I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
