If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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