I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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