Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
