just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
40s are totally the cure
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
is it fun? or sober?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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