I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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