now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
