I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
COCAINE IS GR8
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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