I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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