You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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