i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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