I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize