Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
home. puking in laundry basket.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
