who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
