Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
