I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
