I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
